I am updating my blog and archiving some of the things that I found funny in the ‘Humor” category on the website for easier retrieval as they are sprinkled in my past posts throughout the blog. Hope you guys enjoy these as I do. 🙂 A merry heart does good, like mediicne!
If you guys come across any clean, wholesome humor I’d sure appreciate it if you forward them to me or add them to this thread. Thanks!
Bubba & The Psychiatrist
Bubba went to see a psychiatrist.
‘I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy’ he told the psychiatrist.
‘Just put yourself in my hands for one year,’ said the shrink. ‘Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.’
‘How much do you charge?’
‘Eighty dollars per visit, replied the psychiatrist.’
‘I’ll sleep on it,’ said Bubba.
Six months later the psychiatrist met Bubba on the street. ‘Why didn’t you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?’ asked the psychiatrist.
‘Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A barber cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!’
‘Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a barber cure you?’
‘He told me to cut the legs off the bed! – Ain’t nobody under there now !!!’
Git ‘er dun!!!!!!!!!
The Mechanic & The Cardiologist
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage: “Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?”
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.
So how come I make $40,000 a year and you get the really big bucks when you and I are doing basically the same work?”
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic … “Try doing it with the engine running.”
Ever Been in Cahoots?
“I have been in many places, but I’ve never been in Cahoots.
Apparently, you can’t go alone ~ you have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
Sometimes I’m in Capable… I go there more often as I’m getting older.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump. While I like to exercise,
I’m not too much on jumping…it’s tough on the knees.
I have avoided going to in Sane. Can’t get there by plane…you have to be driven.
I have made several trips near that area, when I was lost for a short time.
No thanks to my friends, family and work.
I actually was pulled out well short of that destination by a guy, God in the flesh, Jesus Christ. Close call.
I have also been in Doubt.
That is a sad place to go and you can’t leave there by getting stuck somewhere in Decision, a suburb of that doubt.
I try not to visit there too often. My faith in Jesus Christ left me less in doubt.
I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
We need a lot of that when it comes to the spreading desire to be in Decisive.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense!
It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart!
At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
I may have been in Continent, but I don’t remember what country that was.
It’s an age thing.
We lived in Sufferable until we couldn’t stand it any more.
The politicians spout Innuendo which drives me deeper In Debt.
Hey guys, I thought up some too:
Sometimes I’ve been in Decisive but I haven’t yet made my mind what I think about that place. It was very much like time spent in Conclusive. I never completely figured that one out either until I got to in Conclusion. Amazing what I learned in Comprehensible: it was such an in Teresting place, pondering the immeasurable love of God. Without the Lord, I’d sure be in Deep Trouble: we’re in Separable, He and me (or is it “He and I”?). Whenever I get in Hot Water, in A Pickle, in Jeopardy, in A Pinch, or in A Jam, I know my hope is In Christ which is in Valuable to me!
It’s rather fun to do. How about you, can you add your two cents to “Ever Been in Cahoots?” Paula
Here are some more (unknown authors):
And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible
but life shows me I am not.
People keep telling me I’m in Denial
but I’m positive I’ve never been there before!
Kathy Geiger says:
I have been in confidence only to have me proven wrong and in conclusion only to find that it is but a starting place.
I’ve been in Credible
I couldn’t believe how beautiful that place was!
I read all of your “in” comments and they are a hoot…Can one be a hoot while eating a fruit and blowing a bugle toot in Cahoots? But I digress with a moot point…
At this point I think that you’ve covered most of the bases with the “in” prefix except have you ever been
in surmountable in Mount Dora ? in trospective on the psychiatrist’s couch? in genious on a report card?
in finity at the end of your sentences ?
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald. This is his colonoscopy account:
“I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, ‘HE’S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!’
I left Andy’s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ‘MoviPrep,’ which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America ‘s enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor..
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes – and here I am being kind – like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, ‘a loose, watery bowel movement may result.’
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don’t want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, ‘What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the … forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn’t thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was ‘Dancing Queen’ by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, ‘Dancing Queen’ had to be the least appropriate.
‘You want me to turn it up?’ said Andy, from somewhere behind me..
‘Ha ha,’ I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like..
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling ‘Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,’ and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.”
Humor: “Fresh Meat”: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oUoCZOOxgv8
Puns Intended(Unknown Author) ”1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian . 3. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. 4. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery. 5. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 6. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 7. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 8.Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 9. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 10. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’ 11. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 12.. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’ 13. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 14. A backward poet writes inverse. 15. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes. 16. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 17.. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’ 18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too. 19.. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’ 20.. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. 21. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did. ”
The list below is especially for the lexiphiles, lexophiles, and logophiles in our midst and is more comprehensive than the last one I shared above. I enjoy the cleverness of word play. I didn’t make up any of these: I found them in various places on the internet (authors unknown). Wanna make one up or add in another that you’ve heard ;)?
4 Worms in Church
“A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol – Dead
The second worm in cigarette smoke – Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup – Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil – Alive .
So the Minister asked the congregation –
What did you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
‘As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!’
That pretty much ended the service.”
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U. C. L. A.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a daycare, where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar… got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
The professor discovered that his theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , and resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
A calendar’s days are numbered.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for
Not only did the pearl divers come up empty, but they barely escaped an earthquake. These were pearl-less times.
Three lefts equal a right, yet no number of wrongs equals a right.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned
out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it
was a weapon of math disruption.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When
his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
When cannibals ate a clown they said it tasted funny.
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did. ”
(More word play from Julie’s brother)
Dyslexics have more nuf.
Clones are people, two.
Entropy isn’t what it used to be.
Microbiology Lab Staph Only !
Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
186,000 miles per second. Not just a good idea, it’s the law!
Air pollution is a mist-demeanor.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Editing is a rewording activity.
My reality check just bounced.
Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.
No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway.
What if there were no hypothetical questions.
Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I used to think I was indecisive, now I’m not sure.
Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.
Did you know that “verb” is a noun?
How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can’t spell them?
If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?
If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren’t two houses hice?
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
If you’ve read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn’t this also mean that you would have to “member” somebody in order to remember them?
In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same?
Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?
Is there another word for a synonym?
Shouldn’t there be a shorter word for “monosyllabic”?
What is another word for “thesaurus”?
Where do swear words come from?
Why can’t you make another word using all the letters in “anagram”?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why do people use the word “irregardless”?
Why do some people type “cool” as “kewl?”
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why do we say something’s out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works?
Why does “cleave” mean both split apart and stick together?
Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?
Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
Why does the Chinese ideogram for trouble symbolize two women living under one roof?
Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug?
Why doesn’t “onomatopoeia” sound like what it is?
Why don’t we say “why” instead of “how come”?
Why is “crazy man” an insult, while to insert a comma and say “Crazy, man!” is a compliment?
Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?
Why is it that the word “gullible” isn’t in the dictionary?
Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?
Why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese?
Why isn’t “palindrome” spelled the same way backwards?
Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Rules For Better Writing
1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They’re old hat)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren’t necessary and shouldn’t be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it’s
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
16. Don’t use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words
however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth
26. Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and omit it when its not
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate
quotations. Tell me what you know.”
28. If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a thousand times: Resist
hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
POWER OUTAGE DURING A MAMMOGRAM
I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, ‘Hi! I’m Belinda!’ This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, ‘All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?’
I’m thinking, ‘Belinda, try decaf. This ain’t rocket science.’
Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, ‘Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?’
‘Fine’, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?
My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!
‘Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag.’ Belinda headed for the door.
‘Excuse me! You’re not leaving me in this vise alone are you?’ I shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, ‘Oh, you fussy puppy…the door’s wide open so you’ll have the emergency hall lights. I’ll be right back.’
Before I could shout ‘NOOOO!’ she disappeared.
And that’s exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass!
After exchanging polite ‘Hi, how’s it going’ type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible ‘Uh, yes, yes I did– thanks.’
‘You bet, take care’ Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I’d been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, ‘Oh I am sooo sorry!’ The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?’
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps….
On Red Sea crossing:
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE
Pursuing Environmentalists Killed
On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION
Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock
On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY
On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS
Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple
On feeding the 5,000:
PREACHER STEALS CHILD’S LUNCH
Disciples Mystified Over Behavior
On healing the 10 lepers:
LOCAL DOCTOR’S PRACTICE RUINED
“Faith Healer” Causes Bankruptcy
On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:
MADMAN’S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE
Local Farmer’s Investment Lost
On raising Lazarus from the dead:
FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK
Will Reading to be Delayed
Here are some Thanksgiving jokes, from contributing editor Richard Lederer:
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
Is turkey soup good for you?
Not if you’re the turkey
Why did the person quit smoking cold turkey?
Because the feathers made him cough.
Why did the turkey bolt down its food?
Because it was a gobbler.
What do turkeys like to eat on Thanksgiving?
Nothing, they’re already stuffed.
Did you hear about the conservative turkey?
It had two right wings.
May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey be plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!
Funny Letter “From” Mission Board to Paul 🙂
Reverend St. Paul
Dear Mr. Paul,
We recently received an application from you for service under our board. Sir, it is our policy to be as frank and as open minded as possible with all our applicants. We have made an exhaustive survey of your case, and, to be plain, we are surprised that you have been able to pass as a bona fide missionary.
We are told that you are afflicted with severe eye trouble. This is certain to be an insuperable handicap to an effective ministry; our board requires 20/20 vision. Dr. Luke reports that you are a thin little man, bald, frequently sick, and always so agitated over your churches that you sleep poorly. He reports that you pad around the house praying half the night. A healthy mind in a robust body is our ideal for all applicants. A good night’s sleep will give you zest and zip, so that you will wake full of zing. In one of your letters you refer to yourself as Paul, the aged. Our new mission policies do not envisage a surplus of superannuated recipients.
At Antioch we learn that you opposed Dr. Simon Peter, an esteemed denominational secretary, and actually rebuked him publicly. You stirred so much trouble at Antioch that a special board meeting had to be convened at Jerusalem. We cannot condone such actions. You caused so much trouble at Ephesus that they refer to you as the man that turned the world upside down. Sensationalism in missions is uncalled for. You have caused much trouble wherever you have gone. You opposed the honorable women at Berea, and the leaders of your own nationality in Jerusalem. We cannot condone such actions. If a man cannot get along with his own people, how can he serve foreigners?
Do you think it seemly for a missionary to do part-time secular work? We hear that you are making tents on the side. In a letter to the church at Philippi, you admitted that they were the only church supporting you. We wonder why. Is it true that you have jail record? Certain brethren report that you did two years time in Ceasarea and were imprisoned at Rome.
You admit that while you were doing time in prison at Rome that all forsook you. Good men are not left friendless. Three fine brothers by the name of Diatrophes, Demas, and Alexander, the coppersmith, have notarized affidavits to the effect that it is impossible for them to co-operate with either you or your program. We know that you had a bitter quarrel with a man named Barnabas. Harsh words do not further the work of God.
You wrote recently to Timothy that you had fought a good fight. Jesus came not to bring a sword, but peace. You boast that, “I fought with wild beasts at Ephesus.” What on earth do you mean?
You have written many letters to churches where you have formerly been pastor. In one of these letters you accused one church member of living with his father’s wife: you caused the whole church to feel badly and the poor fellow was expelled.
You spend too much time about the second coming of Christ. Your letters to the people at Thessalonica were almost entirely devoted to this theme. In a recent sermon you said, “God forbid that I should glory, save in the cross of the Lord Jesus Christ.” It seems to us that you ought to glory in our heritage, our denominational program, and the great world federation of churches. Put first things first from now on.
We deplore the lurid over-the-wall-in-a-basket episode at Damascus. We were appalled at your obvious lack of conciliatory behavior. Diplomatic men are not stoned and dragged out of the city gate nor assaulted by angry mobs. Have you ever suspected that gentler words might gain you more friends.
We understand that you are given to fantasies and dreams. At Troas you saw a man of Macedonia, and at another time you were “caught up into the third heaven,” and even claimed that the LORD stood by you. We reckon that more realistic minds are needed in the task of world evangelism.
Your ministry has been far too flighty to be successful. First Asia Minor, then Italy, then to Spain. Concentration is more important than dissipation of one’s powers; you cannot win the world by yourself. You’re just one little Paul.
You sermons are much too long for the times. At one place you talked until after midnight and a young man was so sleepy that he fell out of a window and broke his neck. If nobody is saved after the first twenty minutes: Stand up — speak up — then shut up — is our advice.
It hurts to tell you this, brother Paul, but in all my 25 years experience, I never meet a man so opposite to the requirements of our foreign mission board.
Most Sincerely yours,
J. Flavius Fluffyhead
Foreign Mission Board
“The Rejected Missionary” was originally written by Bill Britton, later expanded by Dean VanDruff.
“When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, working on the car… always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.”
“I recently asked my friend’s little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, “If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?” She replied, “I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.” Her parents beamed with pride. “Wow…what a worthy goal.” I told her, “But you don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my driveway, and I’ll pay you $50. Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.” She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, “Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?” I said, “Welcome to the Republican Party.” Her parents still aren’t speaking to me.”
The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed. “Mr. Smith, you’re going to be just fine,” said the nun, gently patting his hand. “We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”
“No, I’m not,” the man whispered hoarsely.
“Then can you pay in cash?” persisted the nun.
“I’m afraid I cannot, Sister.”
“Well, do you have any close relatives?” the nun questioned sternly.
“Just my sister in New Mexico,” he volunteered. “But she’s a humble spinster nun.”
“Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters – they are married to God.”
“Wonderful,” said Mr. Smith. “In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in -law.”
HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?1. While sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles. 2. Now, while doing this, draw the number ’6′ in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.
“Check your shampoo bottle label. I don’t know WHY I didn’t figure this out sooner. It’s the shampoo I use in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body and (duh!) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning… FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY! NO wonder I have been gaining weight! Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead. Their label reads, DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE. Problem Solved! If I don’t answer the phone …I’ll be in the shower!”
Prayer for 2011
For 2011, I’d like to ask You for a fat bank account and a slim body.
Please do not mix up the two like you did last year.
‘What majestic trees!
‘What powerful rivers!
‘What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him..
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.
He tripped & fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him…
At that instant the Atheist cried out,
‘Oh my God!’
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
‘Are you taking My name in vain or are you calling out to Me for help? You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.’
‘Are you wanting me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you as a believer?
The atheist looked directly into the light, ‘It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian’?
‘Very well,’ said the voice..
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
‘Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.
“At a nursing home, a group of Senior Citizens was sitting around talking about their ailments: ”My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said one.
“Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can’t even SEE my coffee,” replied another.
“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
“My blood pressure pills make me dizzy’” another went on.
“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. Then there was a short moment of silence.
“Well, it’s not that bad,” said one woman cheerfully. ”Thank God we all can still drive!”
From Sept 2011:
I saw my dentist yesterday (chemo and radiation can be rough on teeth) and I told him about the Bill Cosby dentist comedy I saw recently. He referred me to one of his favorites: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYzuchDBvCs Have you seen it? Check it out: funny stuff!
Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, ‘So y’all want to be cops, huh?’ The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, ‘To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth.’ So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. ’Now,’ he said, ‘did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?’
The blonde immediately said, ‘Yes, I did. He has only one eye!’ The detective shook his head and said, ‘Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It’s a profile of his face! You’re dismissed!’ The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, said, ‘What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?’ ‘Yes! He only has one ear!’ The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, ‘Didn’t you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man’s face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You’re excused too!’ The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, ‘This is probably a waste of time, but … He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, ‘All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?’ The blonde said, ‘I sure did… This man wears contact lenses.’ The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, ‘You’re absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?’
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, ‘Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses!’
Michael Joiner’s Fast Food Comedy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCknl16rSoI HA!
When you are happy because somebody tells you that you don’t look so yellow and pale anymore.
When you’re using the lint roller on your head to get out the stubbies!
When you miss your breasts…
People keep telling you how good you look, and you wonder, “If I look so good in a wig and have no eyelashes and no eyebrows, how bad did I look before I had cancer?”
When the lint roller isn’t working so well on your head anymore so you start using duct tape to get those “prickles” out.
When you start to consider buying a bigger microwave just because you cannot fit another prescription bottle on top of the one you have.
When people say and “howwwwww are youuuu really” (dragging it out with that low voice).
How about when your teenager tries to signal you from across the room to “adjust” your prosthesis (“Mom….you have one creeping to the middle!”) He ended up texting me!
When you finally get brave enough to ditch your wig and wear a baseball cap instead and a store employee (young man) calls you SIR!
When your 2 year old granddaughter pulls off your wig because she wants to put it on and dance in front of the mirror.
When you feel like a newborn: hairless and ready for a nap at any time.
When all your female acquaintances – family, friends & co-workers – tell you when they book mammograms
When you are either freezing cold, from low blood counts, or scorching hot, from hot flashes- never quite just the right temp!
Everyone wants to give you lessons on ‘attitude’ because that is the real cure for cancer.
When your 80 year old mother calls YOU for advice on dealing with constipation.
When you discover, thru chemo baldness, that you inherited the shape of your father’s head.
When the neighbor comes over to check on you because he saw a strange man in the back yard only to find out it was you that he saw.
looked in the mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs left on her head.
‘Well,’ she said, ‘I think I’ll braid my hair today.’
So she did and she had a wonderful day. The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror
and saw that she had only two hairs remaining on her head.
‘H-M-M,’ she said, ‘I think I’ll part my hair down the middle today.’
So she did and she had a grand day.The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed
that she had only one lonely hair on her head, hanging on for dear life.
‘Well,’ she said, ‘Today I’m going to wear my hair in a pony tail.’
So she did, and she had a fun, fun day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and
noticed that there wasn’t a single hair on her head.
‘YAY!’ she exclaimed. ‘I don’t have to fix my hair today!’”
3 clips of baby humor:
Sarah Palin Shout Out to Nicholas Oliver:
At a White House breakfast for religious leaders, President Bush told the story of a little boy who offered up this simple prayer: “God bless Mother and Daddy, my brother and sister; and God, do take care of Yourself because if anything happens to You, we’re all sunk.”
I got a chuckle out of this “Talking Dog Humor”:
Your Duck is Dead–
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid
her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to
the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly
said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”
The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?” “Yes, I am sure. Your duck
is dead,” replied the vet..
“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a
few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner
looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front
paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few
minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and
also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on
its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this
is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.” The vet turned to his
computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed
to the woman..
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried,
“$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”
The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the
bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s
Humorous photos by John Pierce:
A man goes on vacation and his brother agrees to housesit for him —
feeding the cat, picking up the newspapers and mail, watering the
plants, etc. After the first week goes by the vacationing brother
phones to check in.
“I’m sorry bro,” his brother at the house tells him almost
immediately, “but your cat died.”
“What!? What do you mean my cat died?! How could you tell me like
this? What kind of insensitive creep are you!? You need to prepare
someone for a shock like that!” exclaims the vacationing brother.
“How was I supposed to prepare you?” asks the man.
“Well,” says the brother, “first you should have told me, the cat is
on the roof. Then you should have said, but don’t worry, we’re calling
the fire department. Then the next time I called in to check you
should have said, the fire department was doing everything it could
and not to worry.
Then the next time I called you could tell me that the cat had fallen,
but not to worry — the vet was doing everything she could to
resuscitate him. Then, finally, after all that, you could have told
me, my cat had died. That’s how you break news like that.”
“You’re right, bro, I’m sorry. I should have been more sensitive
first,” said the housesitting brother, who really did feel bad about
it at this point.
His vacationing brother on the phone was quickly forgiving, “That’s
okay. I understand. So anyway, how’s everything else? How’s mom
“Mom?” says the man, “Mom is on the roof….”
My kids love it when we are goofy together, especially when I initiate it. The girls and I had fun doing the dinner trick in the top link in April and dropping by and smiling at some neighbors. Maybe we’ll do the “Whole Enchilada” another time
8-month-old boy laughing hysterically while at-home daddy rips up a job rejection letter.
Anita Renfroe’s Mom Song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=imuDWY_4m7M
“The New Dentist”
Q.. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A.. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?
A.. German Shepherds.
Q.. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
I was visiting my son last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
‘This is the 21st century,’ he said. ‘I don’t waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.’
I can tell you this; that ole’ fly never knew what hit him.”
”Only in America…
do drugstores make the sick
walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America…
do people order double
cheeseburgers, large fries, and a Diet Coke.
Only in America…
do banks leave vault doors
open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America…do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America…
do we buy hot dogs in
packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America…
do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?
Why can’t women put on mascara
with their mouth closed?
Why don’t you ever see the headline
‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?
Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do ’practice’?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor,
and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money
called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic
called rush hour?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
You know that indestructible black box that is used
on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane
out of that stuff?!
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they
are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress
the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe,why do they call the airport the terminal?”
God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to
Him, “Lord, we don’t need you anymore. Science has finally
figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other
words, we can now do what you did in the beginning.”
“Oh, is that so? Tell me…” replies God.
“Well,” says the scientist, “we can take dirt and
form it into the likeness of You and breathe life into it, thus
“Well, that’s interesting. Show me.”
So the scientist bends down to the earth and
starts to mold the soil.
“Oh no, no, no…” interrupts God, “Get your own dirt.”
Humor: Prank at Walmart